I don't think any of my family reads my LJ. So I'll use this place to gush.

So... I kinda sorta have a girlfriend now. Unfortunately she lives sooo far away (and no I'm not exaggerating). She keeps me up until the sun rises and has murdered my sleep schedule, but I'm okay with that as long as I get to talk to her. She makes me smile no matter what I may be feeling.

My one wish is that I could have the job and the money so she wouldn't have to worry about anything but getting her visa to visit. I'm a lot like my dad in that way. I want to just do everything for the people I love. Pay for everything, do everything, take care of her and let her just laze about and start that bar she wants.

This undying urge kind of makes being a poor college student suck, though. I'm totally tempted to just drop out to get a full time job, but that would be a shitty choice in the long run. I need to finish school so I can get a better job in the field and some day, hopefully, be designing the labels for some vodka company somewhere.

ANYWAYS back to the topic of this journal. I fucking love my adorable old kiwi. Everyone else seemed to figure it out before I did. I think Chrissy was the first to mention it to me over Thanksgiving break. She told me how obvious it was that I liked her, when I would smile at every text and with how much I talked about her I'm sure. XD And she told me how cute it would be if we were to be together, and I insisted it would never happen, that JDee didn't like me like that she was just a flirt and acting that way because I was Doku or something like that...

But no one else seemed to agree with me on that front. But I was wrong anyways. And now every time I think about it, I feel like a little girl and my heart inflates and it feels really lame and mushy but she makes me so happy (aside from the fact that I won't be able to hold her in my arms until next year, that makes me sad).

But... She posted her announcement on dA, and since I don't know if my family reads that, I can't. T__T So I'm posting it here. Where the two people that matter that don't know yet can read it.

I ramble way too much...

Leave me a comment saying "Failgasm"
I'll respond by asking you five questions so i can get to know you better.
Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions.

These questions are from A TENTACLE MONSTER

1. What saiyuki couple is your favorite? (besides Kou/Doku LOL)
Awww, besides KouDoku...? Well, I used to be really big on Gojyo/Goku. Brain is malfunctioning, so I dun remember the numbers right now. XD Now I feel like Goku is waaay to innocent for Gojyo, so I guess that doesn't count 'cause I don't -still- like it... Other than that I'm amused by the godly threesome, 'cause of all their possible kinks. :D

2. What would you do if I visited you? (which of course I plan to and don't think I won't remember this!! )
I'd make sure I had money, first off. I'd drag you to one of the many Asian restaurants in Boston, take you to Condom World, and then... I dunno. XD You'd hang out. That's really all I ever do is hang out, and it tends to be a lot of fun. OH AND RADIO SHOW IF YOU WERE HERE ON A WEEKDAY

3. Whats one place you REALLY want to visit that isn't a person?
Korea. I watch waaayy too much 1N2D to not want to visit. But I don't speak enough Korean yet to visit any time soon.

4. Whats your favorite color? (D8 it's for a good reason and not a cop out LOL)
Uhm... Purple, grey, or green? o_o

5. If you could play any other character in the group who would it be?
Hmmm... I'm not sure anymore. Nii would be kinda fun, though I don't recall enough of the Ukoku bits of his story to do it. I used to think it'd be fun to be Gojyo, but now I don't think I could do it. XD Maybe Sanzo...

I figured the perfect update for an underused blog, would be to tell everyone the big news.

I fucking hate my life, want to die, all over some stupid fucking loan.

I've been informed by three different loan companies that my parents' credit score sucks too bad for me to get a loan to go to college. So unless I magically find some loan shit that'll accept me, I can't go to college this semester.

Which means I can't see my friends. Which means if I keep going, I graduate late and pay more money in the long run.

Which means if I have to murder someone or whore myself out to get the money to go, I would totally fucking do it.

If I don't go this semester, I don't particularly plan on going back at all.

So much for moving back on the 7th. ¬¬ Look out for my name in the obituaries, or on the news. Death sounds real good about now, no matter whose it is.

EDIT:: I'm way too lazy to figure out what's wrong with the code.

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O_O I wasn't aware I answered any question that relate me to Giovanni... the fu? How do I go from Tracey to Gio? @_@

My body has started to become addicted to getting enough sleep, and will refuse wholeheartedly when I wish to wake up after less than 8 hours.

This is a problem.

It is also a problem that I've found out that I can train myself to sleep through sounds. If I ignore it often enough, I will begin to ignore it automatically and not wake up.

I have been ignoring my alarm.

Oh, and I can't fall asleep before 2:00am.

Good thing I only have a couple more days of classes...

I'll use this because no one reads it, and I don't really need input on the situation, I just want to put it down on paper. Or whatever. Writing stuff down helps me think, and I like to give off the impression to myself that I'm actually telling people this, when I know no one actually cares about me ranting.

So I was talking to Kamal today... And I forget how the conversation go to this point, but he asked me "You sound like you want me to ask you out. Do you like me or something?" to which I responded "That's a dangerous question. o_o If I said yes, would you stop talking to me?"

Again, I fail, and I was using Corrie's computer so I don't have a chat log, so I forget what he responded to that. However, when I came back downstairs, I asked him about it. He told me that I reminded him of him when he likes someone. How I'm more clingy, I text more, stuff like that.

He told me that it might be hard for him to change his mind, because he finds it difficult to date friends just because he's tried in the past and it hasn't worked. But he did tell me I had all of the things he looks for in a girl, so I did have a chance. Just don't try too hard.

Which means... He just told me that I had a chance. A slim one, because we're such close friends, and he's so close with all of my friends, but.. That's the best answer I could ever expect.

My only problem now is that I don't know how to act around him... Do I stop hugging him all the time, now that I know that he'll know I'm hugging him because I like him? @_@ I don't know how this works. I've never had a guy know I like him, and not make a change of some sort based off of it.

My heart's been pounding because of it, though.

I wasn't tagged but I wanna do it anyways.

( Don't Click! )

Is it weird that I refer to Lasell as my home, now? I've only spent one semester of my life there, but I think even after a few weeks it felt like home. I guess that's proof that I made a good college choice.

I'm not sure how close I am to being finished packing. I know I have all my clean clothes, and my bed stuff... And then the little things I brought home with me that make Lasell a little more like it really is home.

Forty-five minutes. That's about how long I have left in this house. I don't plan on returning too often this semester. I want to spend more time with the VIPs. To make sure I get in on all of their adventures, and don't lose my place amongst them.

We're like a family. We eat, sleep and live together. If we could, I think for the most part we would do everything together. We notice each others flaws, and despite how annoying they might be, we stick by each other. We've grown closer in one semester than I'm sure any of us have been with any of our friend "back home".

Which is not to say I don't miss all of my friends "back home". Even now I miss them dearly. I haven't spent nearly as much time with Kati as I would've liked. I miss our summer days when every day we saw each other, and missed each other on the days when we didn't hang out.

I hardly hung out with Derek, and he's probably one of my closest friends. We tell each other everything, which is somewhat creepy when you consider that he's a boy, and I can complain to him about having my period and he wouldn't care.

Andrew, Chrissy, Chris, Ammy... I only saw each of them not even a handful of times. Maybe once or twice. I didn't try as I should have to see them, I know that. Which, I suppose, gives me no right no complain, but I miss them and wish I had seen them more. I don't won't to lose that aspect of my life. I don't want to lose them, but I think it's already beginning.

Thirty-seven minutes and I'm gone. I'll miss home, but I'm glad to get back to my family away from my family- my home away from home.

Is anyone else not seeing any of their friend's posts past, say... Last month...? It won't let me see any posts before Ammy's green rainbow thing. (Not related to politics, by the way) It's like they don't exist. The only option at the bottom is to go to the top of the page. WHAT IS HAPPENIIIIING?

Maybe get a boyfriend
- Get up the courage to ask out the boy(s) I like

Lose some weight

Don't let money burn a hole through my pocket

Finish Phoenix Wright

Finish (with help) a decent cosplay for AB

Get Tom fired (not really serious, but I wish he would...)

No, the subject doesn't mean I've got a boyfriend. Which I'm mildly depressed about. But at the same time, I'm not.

Me and this boy have both basically confessed or love for each other. Hell, we even say I love you to each other now. But we're not and we won't date. Not now anyway.

Why?

The danger of losing our friendship. Of losing what we have now. Relationships tend to end with a certain amount of awkwardness. And we don't want to risk that. Or risk the utter feeling of hopelessness and feeling of being crushed if one of us stops liking the other.
t
So we won't be dating. But at some point I'm totally gonna ask him if we can try going out if neither of us can get relationships. I mean, I'd totally feel like I was cheating him if I got a boyfriend now. Even though I know both of us are trying to find someone else. I don't really think it would work out.

But yeah, we're just gonna remain friends.

Until I marry him.

But he doesn't know about that yet.

;P

I can tell I like someone, when at the beginning signs of them being annoyed, I feel like I did something terribly wrong, even if it's not my fault. D:

I think my roommate got me a box of chocolate from Ireland. o_O; *glances over at it* It was just chilling on my bed when I got back from Kamal's today.

I do have to talk to her tomorrow, though. I doubt it will actually happen, but Kamal might potentially sleep over tomorrow night. To save him the hassle of driving at 1 in the morning. If he even ends up coming over. He said he should be. Late. Like, he'll be here at 10pm. For Ani-Monday. I totally wouldn't mind him sleeping over. In fact I told him he could if he needed to, and he seemed okay with it. But I just realized... How will I be able to sleep with him in a bed five feet away? I'm gonna be so insanely neurotic about snoring or some shit like that. D:

Also, I'm totally in love with his new cat. Who used to be Tala's. XD We brought her back to Boston with us today. She fell asleep in Kati's lap. The first cat any of us have known that didn't utterly hate car rides. Though she did vomit in her carrying case. ^^; We blame Kamal's driving.

I think I might love this boy. ._. Which is bad, because he's Korean, and is moving back to Korea at the end of the year. He also speaks very little English, which I think is adorable, but makes communication real hard.

Obama wins the presidency. After eight years of torture under Bush, we'll finally get someone decent in power.

Let's just hope some idiot redneck doesn't assassinate him first.

Today I went to Salem with Corrie. We met up with Amanda, Brian, and Z. When they left, Corrie stayed with me to wait for my friend Kati. We hung out with them for a little while, after spending hours trying to find them.

The train ride home was both annoying and fun. We managed to get a seat on the ride back (we had to stand in a wicked crowded train on the way there D:) Then we were waiting for a train to bring us into Boston, towards Riverside, and that took us at least half an hour. When we got to Park St, we were waiting a good hour for a train, which ended up being insanely crowded. But we were with some interesting people. One girl in a rather slutty costume, that surprisingly enough didn't flaunt her boobs, and a very cute semi-nerdi-ish looking boy with powdered donut powder on his shirt from a Halloween game. My fangs were complimented by the girl, and Corrie claims the boy was flirting with me. *shrugs* I didn't see it. And he left, and we didn't get any information about each other. I don't know anything about him except what he looks like and that he got off at Woodland to go home. The girl was funny. I dunno much else to say about her.

I took some pictures. I'll upload them to Facebook later. *shrugs*

I'm so fucking stressed right now that I'm actually crying. And I actually started to cry in front of my Design and Color teacher. How fucking lame is that?

I'm so pissed at myself. And at my grandfather. He used to work for himself, he should understand time management. I told him last week that I needed a picture of my aunt for class. He told me he'd scan one in right away. Nothing. I e-mailed him last night. Still nothing. I called him two hours ago, and told him I needed it for a class at six. He told me he'd have it for me in time. I called him back twenty minutes ago. He told me that he was eating dinner, and seemed annoyed when I told him I needed it for class I have in fifteen minutes.

It's now 11 minutes after my class started. NO FUCKING PICTURE. My professor actually walked me back down here, because there are no computers in the Yamawaki building (where we were meeting to work on the painting), so I could check my mail to see if I got it. Nope. Nothing. He went back, and told me to come up when I got it.

While walking back, we were talking about him. He was asking about what he did for a living, since I mentioned he did graphic design. I told him he was a sign maker, and if he went to new York would probably seem some old billboards and signs my grandpa made.

I was proud of him. I love him. But he's been so useless to me today, and it's pissing me off. He knew when I needed the picture, and how long it would take him to scan it and send it. But he still decided to stop and eat dinner. If he had just done what I'd asked right away like he said he would, I wouldn't be having this problem. I would say I was being selfish, but he had over two weeks to get me a good picture! And I needed it from him, because I wanted to do a painting of my aunt. No one else that I can get in contact with has a picture of her.

WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING STRESSFUL!?

Damnit, I'm crying again...

I haven't upated this thing in awhile, so I figured I should start. I keep saying I will, but DeviantArt is stealing all of my thoughts. :P Even though I haven't really posted anything worthwhile in ages, my journal seems to get an almost daily update. *sigh* Ah well, maybe I'll get a little more active in actually drawing. I mean, my tablet does work now. And there's always TegakiE, while I wait for a decent art program.

Let's see, what can I update with... Oh, I skipped class again today. I was having this amazing dream that I met this boy (his name was Rob or Rex, I don't remember) and I like fell in love with him and Juan came over (and was apparently related to me) and I tried to introduce him to Rob but Rob had vanished. And then I met up with him again later and we were doing these nifty magic-y things like transporting into really small places (like Christmas trains) and I was nagging him to tell me why he had disappeared, and told him not to lie to me. And I had the sneaking suspicion that it was because he was a Pokemon. o_O; Wtf? But he was so gorgeous... Tall, kinda thin, with shoulder length black and red hair. I think we were dating in my dream, but I can't remember. I was acting like it, clinging to him and holding him close by the waist. But also according to my dream we had just met, so who knows XD But I didn't want to wake up from it, so I made myself fall back asleep and didn't wake up until Amanda called me at 1130 to go eat lunch. *sweatdrop*

And then I said I was skipping my Writing class, but I found out after that she had canceled class anyways. So I lucked out on that one.

Oh, and I met this boy Sangbeom Son (whom I shall call Son for now on). I actually met him a week or two ago, because he was talking with Eriko (my Japanese friend) but I spent about an hour with him today. He's reeeaaaally cute. XD I'll get a picture of him sometime. He speaks pretty good English, even though he's only been learning the language for three months. I'm impressed with him. Obviously, he doesn't understand everything I say, so I try to come up with simpler way to say things when he doesn't, but... That's okay. XD His English is cute. I know I don't have a chance with him, but I can still dream, right? He's 23, which to me isn't that bad, but apparently he thinks I'm wicked young. And innocent, because I've never drank before. And he got drunk almost every day back home.

Oh, and he might teach me Korean. I asked him to, and he said he would. ^^ Yeeey, foreign languages. I would love to be able to talk to him in Korean. I can help him learn English, and he can teach me Korean, and it'd be awesome. ^^

Though I really do need to stop falling for almost every boy I meet. >>; I mean, I know that when I actually go out with someone, I get a one-track mind and can't think about any other guy in any sort of romantic way. But guys don't know that. No guy wants a girl who could potentially have a crush on another guy while dating him. >>; Son, Juan, Derek, Trevor... if anything, I'd rather not like any guys. XD It'd be so much simpler if I were asexual. *sigh*

I needed to type, because I can't find anything to do. I still have homework, that was due Monday, to turn in, but... I don't really want to do that. I don't remember what it was about. Something about Smashed, and drinking, and... I dunno. I don't remember being told about it, but I tend to zone in that class. 8:30am classes are bad for my health. I think I'm gonna take a leaf from Amanda's book next year and take later classes. Who cares if I'm still in class at 6? I didn't have to wake up in the morning.

Like usual, I'll probably just wake up in time to get dressed before heading out the door to walk halfway across campus to my class. You'd think just the walk would wake me up, but nope. It doesn't happen. I nearly fall back asleep the second I sit down. Blegh.

I spent basically all day yesterday and some time today watching Vampire Knight. Now I have to go get money and buy the mangas, and wait with bated breath for the next anime season. She's putting me into Yaoi Rehab. :P I suppose I need it. I'm unhealthily obsessed, as many of my friends could attest to. One day, there will be a Yaoi Rehab meeting, and I'll be at the head all like "I am a recovering Yaoi fangirl".

It would make a hilarious panel at Anime Boston. I bet I could get yaoi fans and haters alike to go to it. I could totally make it like one of those AA meetings, only it happens once a year. XD

I had my first two club meetings today. Otaku's Paradise and SAFE (Students Advocating For Equality). I have Tae Kwon Do tomorrow, possibly Drama.... And I dunno about the rest of the clubs I signed up for. XD I don't even remember the rest of the clubs I signed up for. Oops!

Next week is Octoberfest. All my friends who went away to college had better come back that weekend! D<

Also, everyone should call 1-866-445-6580. *nodnod*

I'm updating this, instead of my dA journal, because I annoy the people watching me way to often with it.

It's so weird looking around my room right now. It's clean, and yet it's very dirty. I have a massive bag on the floor, filled with clothes. I don't even know if I'll have enough room for them all, but it's enough that I shouldn't need to do laundry every week.

There are two boxes sitting on my chest thing, both nearly full. One's really small and just holding some minor touches, like necklaces and some smaller pictures. The other has my desklamp and that sort of stuff. There's also another box in the hallway with more stuff. Books, movies, a poster... That box is the biggest, and completely full.

Then I have a few other suitcases that I'm not sure if I need yet, so they're laying on my bed. Plus my backpack, which is filled with my notebooks and sketchbooks, plus everything else I'll need specifically for classes.

There are some posters on my walls I want to take down to bring. That will make my room feel even more awkward. I need to put my bed stuff in a bag, too... But I figure a trash bag will work fine for that. I don't want to bring another box; those are so much more annoying to carry.

I feel like I'm bringing a lot of stuff, but at the same time, I feel like I'm forgetting things. I'm not even leaving until Thursday, and I'm already starting to miss my home. It will take a little while before my new dorm will feel like home to me. I hope my roommate is nice, or it might never feel like home.

So I leave Thursday. I'm the last of all my friends to head out to college. The rest of them are gone this weekend, and the ones who won't be gone by then aren't going.

But I'm starting to get a little apprehensive. I finished work Tuesday, and I'm already running low on funds thanks to all the stuff I still need for college. I'm estimating another 200 in the bank right now, but I'm not sure. I only have one paycheck left before I leave. How am I gonna survive until Winter break without cash?

For the first time all summer I'm starting to worry about the people at Lasell. Starting to worry if I'll meet any good friends. I mean, of course there's Jacqui and Brian, but... I'm not sure if those friendships will really make it. I have nothing in common with Jacqui, and I haven't spoken to Brian since those couple hours at summer Orientation.

I won't be able to survive without some anime fans who don't blatantly download. Or without people who are like the friends I have now. I don't even know what to look for in a friend anymore, I've become so accustomed to having Chrissy or someone around to help me open up and get to know someone. Heck, if it weren't for Chrissy, I might not be friends with Kati. Before Chrissy dragged Kati into our lip sync, it had been two years since I'd really considered myself her friend and talked to her. Now I'll be on my own, and I'm used to relying on other for comfort. Now I'm gonna have to find my own comfort, and I'm not sure how to do it.

I still have some things I need to get for college. Maybe I can convince my mom to buy them for me, since she felt bad today that she didn't pay for anything I got. She said she didn't want me to have to buy everything. I could certainly use the help, so I don't lose all of my cash before I leave.

I have to clean my room and start packing tomorrow. Make sure I have everything now, so my "last minute shopping" isn't on Wednesday at ten o'clock at night.

My move in time at a little after noon. First floor of Van Winkle. I've never even seen that building before, so who knows what it'll be like... I heard the rooms are big for doubles, and there's a two-shower bathroom in each hall, and a couple halls per floor. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but I dunno what's gonna happen... Hell, I don't even really know my roommate yet. She hardly talks to me. This is going to be more difficult than I anticipated. And the anticipation is gonna kill me.